December 25th
The clock rung.
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
The lights have already been out for several hours.
Presents already opened.
A hot pot that’s been finished and out in the dishwasher.
The chaos of yesterday already has felt like a fleeting memory…as if it never happened.
But it did. The wrapping paper is proof of that.
I wish I could had been back to my home. The home that I cherish most.
But it couldn’t happen tonight, for whatever reason.
The clock rung.
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
The lights have already been out for several hours.
Presents already opened.
Time having felt as if it frozen.
My eyelids opened up again after a long slumber, but maybe I dreamt years in a minute.
Nothing to be worried about though. I’ll be home soon enough.
The clock rung.
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
The lights have already been out for several hours.
Presents already opened.
And time is definitely frozen.
I quickly rose from the bed and put my cap on — exploring the hollow darkness of my old home.
“Nothing out of the ordinary”, I tell myself.
But something didn’t feel right.
The clock hands refused to move.
It was still
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
The lights have already been out for several hours.
Presents already opened.
And I am stuck in a loop.
Is it a loop of my anxieties? Of things left unanswered that led to this very night?
I couldn’t say I know.
But I know I couldn’t leave.
The clock rung.
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
The panic descends further and further.
I’ve left this holiday season feeling nothing but regret. And Bitterness. Anger.
Of course the presents I ordered didn’t arrive in time! I couldn’t go shopping until I moved.
Of course I had to quickly wrap my presents and letters the moment I got here. When was the last time I didn’t do things last minute? Must had been back in October, or September.
Why did I have to move? Why did my life get put on hold again and again?
Why did I have to accept my loss instantly and focus on the Holidays? Why can’t I just sulk for once and let the bad year wash down on me, for just once in my life?
Somebody tell me why I can’t just do that…come on! Please tell me. Somebody just fucking tell me already!
The car stopped.
December 25th, 12:00 AM.
I’m back at my new place after spending time with my family for the holidays.
Ready to curl up in bed, tail wrapped and everything.
I took a deep breath and unlocked the door.
The chaos of yesterday can stay as a fleeting memory.
I want to reflect on the past — but I can’t drown myself in the endless loop of its torment.
I've got a ride I want to live out. The ride to the present and the future.
It’s time to let the past wash out — it’s my future’s turn to wash in.
